Bullies Have Moms Too

Imagine my shock when I found my son’s t-shirt under his bed ripped and torn!  My initial reaction was disbelief that it was his but on a closer inspection I noticed it was indeed a t-shirt he had worn recently but also one I hadn’t missed from the weekly laundry.

I felt sick.  And I had the rest of the day to worry. Every scenario under the sun came crashing down on me.  The few hours until my son came home from school gave me the time to think and to plan how I would approach him.  He possessed a quiet disposition in those days and to this day can still appear quiet and pensive depending on the circumstance.  I didn’t want to appear over-reactive (even though every cell in my body was screaming). Fearful of shutting down communication altogether it was important for me to get to the truth.

He didn’t disappoint.  I held the shirt out to him and instead of assuming anything I asked him if he didn’t like the shirt.  I told him it was okay not to like articles of clothing but it was totally unnecessary to destroy them when all we had to do was donate them or worst case cut them up for rags. The pallor in my son’s face spoke reams.  He quietly told me that the shirt had been ripped off his back in a school yard altercation with another youth.  It was his first year in junior high.

I felt the tears stinging the back of my eyes.  A million questions surfaced.  Who?  Where?  Why?  And the big question was why?  My son had/has a heart the size of a pumpkin.  He wouldn’t hurt a flea and as a young boy would pick up ants and insects of all sizes and hold them gently in his hand for inspection.  Never once in those years did he ever bring them harm.  The thought he was attacked seemed unfathomable.  

He told me who.  What was even more shocking was that the boy who instigated the attack was also a boy whom my son had befriended in elementary school.  In those years this other boy was the new kid and my son had already experienced what being the new kid was like.  My son was kind to him.  What we, as a family didn’t know was this boy had already been expelled from numerous other schools for exhibiting the same behavior.  It was only a matter of time.

The bullying had been going on for quite some time before it came to our attention in the form of a torn t-shirt.  The school officials had not communicated anything to us.  They turned their heads.  As parents we were the last to know.  Our son didn’t tell us either and to this day I cannot forgive myself for not noticing.  His grades were slipping and the teachers couldn’t or wouldn’t offer any insight to the root of the problem.  The days and months went by and the year-end school results were in. Our son would have to repeat grade eight.  

So, coupled with the disappointment of having to stay behind while all his friends went on to the next grade was my son’s knowledge that the school yard activities wouldn’t change either.  The bullying continued.  The school officials seemed unsure how to deal with it.  They brought both the other boy and my son into the principal’s office to sign some sort of agreement to get along.  My son felt he had done something wrong.  The torn t-shirt was only one instance.  Later when the behavior of this boy escalated, my son told us he had been attacked with a broken pop bottle in the school yard.  Once again the school did nothing to notify us. But the ice was broken and our son was able to tell us.

As a Mother, you never stop worrying about your children.  I love my children unconditionally.  What was even more disturbing in retrospect was the unmistakable fact I/we didn’t know it was happening.  

For years I blamed myself for not paying close enough attention.  I thought I had awareness like the radar of the blind - but I was mistaken.  I underestimated my son's ability to keep his stress hidden. Until I found his t-shirt.

It has been years since this incident.  The boy bully has most assuredly grown up – hopefully not to become an adult bully. We have lost track of his whereabouts.  I met the boy’s Mother around town after all the bullying had happened.  She seemed oblivious or maybe she had given up and become complacent…but I am just guessing here.  She is still a Mother and in that fact alone I felt for her.  Bullies have Mothers too and I cannot imagine being in her shoes and having to live with that knowledge.

My son has grown up too.  He has grown up to be a kind, honest, sensitive young man.  A young man who many would be proud to call a friend. He has not carried his experience forward. Instead, he grew stronger because of it.  At least I hope so.

June 26, 2009

It is the morning of my son’s wedding.  I am driving alone along a country road on my way to the cottage where we were all staying before the ceremony.  I am flooded with memories of him as a small boy and young adult.  I give silent thanks he found his sweet wife-to-be, a forever soul mate. As I fought back happy tears a song played softly on the radio.  

It never fails to remind me of that beautiful summer morning when my son and his wife were united in marriage. I like to think this song was playing somewhere as his bride walked down the aisle to join him at the alter…

HALO 

Remember those walls I built
Well, baby they're tumbling down
And they didn't even put up a fight
They didn't even make a sound

I found a way to let you in
But I never really had a doubt
Standing in the light of your halo
I've got my angel now

Everywhere I'm looking now
I'm surrounded by your embrace
Baby I can see your halo
You know you're my saving grace

You're everything I need and more
Its written all over your face
Baby I can feel your halo
Pray it won't fade away…… 

(Halo: Beyonce Knowles)

Mr. and Mrs.