At the End of the Day

I made it through the first 16 days... by writing…every day.  The running list speaks of all the ‘what ifs’ and the ‘stinkin thinkin’ that surround me each day now.  Having to wait for the official diagnosis is cruel…I hazard a guess from time to time but it is like having a bad dream.  If I talk about it…it takes some of the scariness and dread away.  That’s what I would tell our kids when they woke fitfully from a bad dream.  If only I could wake up.

The list, I will eventually delete.  The contents reek of toxic waste.  I never want to revisit them or read them later, regardless of the outcome.  This week will bring us closer to the next step.  The time between appointments is both therapeutic and healing, allowing me to gain some strength in between.  A lot of sleep is being lost.  I sense when he isn’t sleeping and vice versa.  That’s what being partners for several decades will do…you start sensing what the other person is thinking.  I don’t say; “Penny for your thoughts” anymore.  I won’t ask the question because I can’t handle the answer.

The mornings are the hardest.  I have the entire day to fill, hopefully with projects, events, or chores that will keep my mind otherwise occupied.  I am glad few people know…at least I don’t have to answer the same questions over and over.  I have tried to write a chapter of my book…without success.  What I write sounds stiff and fake, the words sounding foreign even in my mouth.  My heart just isn’t in it.  I am grateful I don’t have a deadline…that in itself would be my undoing.  

I spend a lot of time alone.  By choice.  I am tired (and frightfully pale) and it is just…easier.  If I need, I sit and put my feet up…sometimes falling asleep in the middle of the day reading some lame story that doesn’t require a lot of concentration.  Sleep is such a blissful state.  I can’t seem to get enough.  Never mind that I have spent an entire month on various drugs to combat sinus and lung infections.  The cure was almost worse.  I ended the week with migraine headaches…only checking the ‘side effects’ sheet the pharmacist supplied with the stuff after the fact.    Enough already.

So at the end of the day, I rejoice that I/we have made it through another day.  I don’t like the ‘limbo’ state.  It shouldn’t be that way.  Living in the moment is to enjoy what I have now…at this very moment.  And I do. 

Here’s to another day…and another ‘end of the day’.