Sometimes it’s called limbo, when you feel yourself floating between the reality and the surreal. Retirement has been described over and over by the masses, but until you are ‘there’, you have no concept of what it will really be like (similar to becoming a grandparent – nothing like it).
That day started like any other day. I picked up my large Tim’s; my son dropped me off in front of the building; a nice treat as it is February 2008 and the streets presented their usual challenge; parking spots were at a premium what with the plows sometimes not scooping enough snow out of them and sometimes missing them completely. I bid him a good day with our customary kiss/hug; love it when your grown up Son is not shy or embarrassed by this PSA. I used my pass code (like any other morning) and waited patiently; listening to the squawk and hum of the elevator crawling between floors. I really should walk up the 3 flights of stairs I think to myself, but each level has a security pass code and my arms are full, so I took the path of least resistance. My laptop/briefcase is lashed over one shoulder; my purse over the other, my gloved hands are still clutching my sanity (aka coffee); my puffy down-filled coat and hat are now starting to make me sweat…why is there so much heat in lobbies anyway?
Arriving at my desk, I shed my weights and winter apparel. The office cubicles around me seem eerily quiet that morning. I glanced at the clock to see if I had made a mistake…nope…right on time. So where is everybody? I poked my head around the first partition and the gal that sits there is glued to her computer screen. She has her headset on and I notice that she is on a net meeting/conference call. She looks a little pale…what’s up? I mouth silently to her. She pushes her mike on mute and whispers that ‘HR’ is in the building. OH…that explains it! A few months previous (like a month before Christmas), our company downsized by 300 employees. Figuring that I had missed it ‘by that much’, I really didn’t think it was over. Christmas came and went. January came and went. February came…and today is February 8th. I turn my computer on and sign onto our internal msn. A little message popped up almost immediately from my manager …’can I see you’? Ahhhh….so here it comes. “Sure…I will grab my coffee and see you in a sec”, I type back just as quickly.
The walk down the hall toward his office should have felt like the ‘dead man walking’ syndrome. But it didn’t. I greeted my colleagues along the way and since nobody knew where I was going, coffee in hand, everything seemed pretty normal. Until I entered his office. My manager is young (anyone in their 30’s is young), and one of my best friends. He has red hair, freckles and a skin tone to match. Unable ….ever…to hide his feelings…he is coming around his desk. His arms are outstretched and his eyes are red rimmed with tears. He hugs me and says….”I am so sorry”. Trying not to sound too flippant…I asked him if this meant ‘we get to go visit HR this morning’. He started to explain…and I stop him. I say…”It’s okay…look at me D…do I look upset”? Unknown to ‘D’…I had been mentally planning for this day for several months. Based on my age factor and the fact that I made no bones about stating that this was not a ‘career’ for me…it was just a job…it was no surprise that I would be joining 500 other employees in the region in the unemployment line. So be it. I had a fantastic 18 years with a company that pulled out all the stops; giving me all the opportunities I could handle; providing education at 2 different universities enabling me to compete for any position I desired. They treated me well. All of this ‘D’ already knew, but understanding that he felt like he had somehow failed me, made me sad. So we sat…and talked….laughed…sipped on coffee…and reminisced about how we met and the great working relationship we had with the company. How could I be sad? We promised to be BFFs and there is no denying it…we have a very unlikely friendship.
I returned to my cubicle and took in a deep breath. My walls and desk were decked out with the sales awards for exceeding targets and my university diplomas. On my desk were pictures of my children at various points in their lives. Their smiling faces beam at me from the far corners and I sat down slowly at my desk. My lamp illuminated a soft yellow glow of light on all the trappings of office life. I open my interoffice email system and systematically type in my ‘extended absence’ greeting. That felt good. I open up my ‘personal messages’ and delete every one of them. The pictures I download onto a data stick, and the disk drive gets a clean sweep. Everything ‘work related’ gets pitched into the garbage; files, awards, binders (and there were a lot of them), filling my trash can to the brim. The rest was personal and it all fits into a small box. WOW! I dismantle all the decorating I had done (this was my claim to fame around the office) and the space took on a very cold, sterile look. I had a few minutes to scan to make sure I didn’t forget anything. I look at the clock, and realize it was time to speak to HR and get the instructions I would need to begin the next chapter of my life…retirement.
It was all completed by 10am. I called my husband to come to town to retrieve me (I had car pooled so I was without ‘wheels’). He understood. Hardly a word was spoken in explanation…he just knew. It would be a 30 minute drive. I used my 30 minutes wisely. I went from cubicle to cubicle to hug my coworkers that had escaped this round. I felt unusually relieved and I am sure they thought I was crazy. Some were speechless and were openly crying when I came by to say goodbye. Reassuring them all that I would be okay, I continued on. ‘D’ was still in his office and he was a mess. I asked him if he could carry ‘my box of stuff’ out to the truck. He looked panicky. He was scared that ‘A’ would be upset. I told him that no…on the contrary…we were both happy. ‘A’ had been waiting for me to retire for two years and he was ecstatic. So much so, that when he arrived at our building, there was a huge bouquet of fresh flowers on the front seat and 2 bottles of champagne in the backseat. Today was going to be a good, good day!
The rest of the day was spent celebrating in a very intimate setting…alone…just the two of us. Our children were informed and were happy for me…because I was happy. The rest is history. But that first day felt surreal. There were moments that I felt like I was in a dream (or for some possibly a nightmare). That span of time was a limbo of sorts. I quickly moved through it and started living again. It was definitely a new beginning. After 30+ years of working at various jobs, I was blessed to find out what retirement was all about. Today, when people ask me what I do in retirement….my answer is simple… “Whatever I want!”
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